The 'good life' is bigger than happiness: Here's how to help your kids (and yourself) experience all the good things

Illustration by Salini Perera, The Washington Post

Teaching children how to lay the groundwork for a "good life" means embracing lots of lessons. "For Robert Waldinger, this question of what constitutes a 'good life' isn't a hypothetical. Waldinger directs the Harvard University Study of Adult Development, which for more than 80 years has followed the lives of 724 participants and more than 1,300 of their descendants," reports Deborah Farmer Kris of The Washington Post. "When it comes to understanding human flourishing, Waldinger has the receipts, and he has detailed them in the new book The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Scientific Study of Happiness. "These lessons aren't just for adults. The findings also offer our kids a healthy framework for thinking about success, relationships and life's inevitable challenges," Kris writes. "And because kids learn best from the adults in their lives, here's what Waldinger says that parents can take away from his research." Here's a condensed summary:

Happiness isn't the (sole) aim: Waldinger's answer comes down to two concrete actions that form the foundation of wellness: engaging in activities we find meaningful and connecting with people we care about and who care about us. Waldinger told Kris, "I think of happiness as an accident. But if you put in these ingredients of well-being, you make yourself more accident-prone. We can teach our kids to prepare the ground so that happiness comes more easily, more often."

Learn to surf: Waldinger's research highlights humanity's ability to adapt in the face of obstacles beyond our control. He subscribes to mindfulness teacher and author Jon Kabat-Zinn's metaphor describing the struggles of life as waves in the ocean: "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."

Relationships are the fourth 'r:' People who have the strongest relationships are "proactive, reaching out rather than just assuming that friendships are going to take care of themselves," Waldinger says. As parents, we can model this for kids by reaching out to our own friends. For example, let them see you go on a walk with a friend, text a sibling or take cookies to a neighbor.

Practice radical curiosity: Look at one person in your life and ask: What's here about this person that I haven't noticed before? It could be anything, even the way sweat forms on your partner's forehead. Radical curiosity can be transformational in family relationships. Waldinger says, 'We all respond to somebody else's genuine interest. It's a big deal. It means so much to have someone just want to know what's happening with you.'

Allow for challenges: When our kids are distressed and we try to single-handedly fix the situation for them, then they don't develop the capacity to encounter challenges and learn from experience that 'this is going to pass, and in the meantime, there are things I can do to feel a little bit better.'

Rituals and routines are connectors: Waldinger's research points to the protective power of family rituals and routines. Our kids need connection, even when they become teens and appropriately try to pull away. . . . research shows that regular family dinners correlate with higher grade-point averages, greater self-confidence, and lower rates of substance abuse and depression. As Waldinger notes, simply being in the same room together once a day is a ritual that helps family members stay connected.

Embrace the long game: One of the best things this Harvard study provides is perspective. 'What we've seen — following these lives for 85 years — is that change happens,' Waldinger says. 'People take unexpected turns and twists.'. . . He knows this not just from data but also experience. 'Our older son was absolute hell on wheels as a baby. He wouldn't sleep. He was terrified of everything. He screamed all the time. . . . He is the most wonderful, mellow young man. Thank God for child development."